In reading Stupid Stork’s last post, I felt I had a lot to say on the matter of the pregnant vs. unpregnant blogs out there. Instead of taking up her entire comments section, I decided to write my own post with my thoughts on the subject and how it specifically relates to me. First of all, let me say that Stork absolutely ROCKS and she is a great voice in the infertility community that touches upon very important topics.
If you follow this blog, you know that B and I have been trying to get pregnant for just about 2 years (we began trying at the end of December 2010). We were diagnosed with Male Factor Infertility due to 0% Morphology in January 2012 and began with IUI. I probably started reading blogs around April and then decided to finally create my own blog in June. I decided to create my own voice for 3 main reasons: 1) I wasn’t finding the support I needed from my family and friends IRL and I could see how supportive this community was of each other. I believed I would be welcomed and supported in a way that I hadn’t felt IRL; 2) I needed an outlet for what I was feeling and a safe place to put my emotions out there instead of keeping them bottled up; and 3) I gained so much knowledge from reading other blogs that I felt I should pay it forward. I wanted a place to give all the information I have learned about IF. I wanted this to be a space where a newly diagnosed infertile could find more information about IF and feel like someone else out there knows what she is going through. I’m not a creative writer. I actually don’t enjoy the act of writing. If it were not for IF, I would not have a blog.
At this point in time, I am not pregnant. I am 4wks, 6 days. Becoming pregnant in the land of IF looks and feels very different than what fertiles experience. Yes, I am now in the “pregnant” category, but I also continue to be in the “infertile” category. The BFP would not have been possible without IVF with ICSI. And even with that intervention, it took one failed fresh cycle and 1 failed FET to get here. Getting a BFP after IF brings complicated and conflicted feelings. I am thrilled to be pregnant! I am equally terrified to be pregnant. I feel guilt about being a lucky one while many of my sisters in shittiness are still in the trenches. I worry if this will last and how long. I worry how I’ll feel if/when we get to announce to family/friends/coworkers/acquaintances IRL. I wonder how women I don’t know around me still in the trenches of IF will view me when I become visibly pregnant. I worry how I’ll feel when people who know what we’ve gone through will react to us being pregnant. I worry they will treat us as if they knew it would work all along and now that’s over and done with. We are still infertile and will still experience all the emotions that go along with IF.
I know things may change down the road, but all the reasons I started this blog will continue to be my inspiration for writing. This will not become a pregnancy blog with bumpdate posts. There are several blogs that I enjoy reading that do have these in addition to continuing to talk about IF and how it affects them even now. However, this is not what I want to blog about. My blog will allow me to still look to all of you for support. It will still be an outlet for my emotions. It will still be a source of information and discussion about IF and IF related topics. Will I occasionally post about how the pregnancy is going? Of course. Being pregnant is part of who I am right now (and what I hope with everything I have that will continue to be). When I created the title of my blog, I wanted it to be something that could apply to anything so that I could write about anything and it could evolve into other things. For right now, I am going to continue to write about IF, but I’m open to change in the future.
As I saw on Stork’s post, several of you will choose to discontinue reading my blog as you continue reading other people’s blogs once they become pregnant. I would encourage you to re-think your position on this (unless it’s a born-again fertile situation). I have many blogs in which I read where the women still need support from this community throughout their pregnancy. They need support when they get dismissive comments from others IRL as if their infertility is suddenly gone now that they are pregnant. There are many women that experience a loss or complications with their pregnancy. Not only do they need your support, but they also provide a wonderful resource of information. By sticking with these women, I’ve been able to console them and let them know they are not alone, but I’ve also learned about testing and complications that happen during pregnancy. This will allow me to be a better advocate for myself, my health, and my future (hopefully!) baby.
For the record, I am overjoyed for every BFP I see from an infertiles blog! At the same time, I feel a twinge of pain b/c it’s not me, but I always am happy for them. We all deserve the same thing…a healthy take home baby. No one deserves it more or less than one another. We all deserve it.