October ICLW

Welcome to all that are here from ICLW.  I have been so unbelievably busy that I completely forgot that I signed up for this month.  And my mind is mush because I didn’t realize until last night when I saw an ICLW post on another blog.  I’ve had several comments from new bloggers, but I honestly just did not make the connection.  Wow!  On the upside, when things are crazy busy like this I don’t think about our infertility.

If you are here for the first time…welcome!  I apologize for the delayed welcome post.  We are currently in the BCP phase of our 2nd round of IVF.  The first IVF cycle and first (and only) FET also failed.  We suffer from Male Factor Infertility (MFI).  If you would like more details about what led us up to this point, you can see the posts in my TTC Timeline.

I also want to thank everyone for the sweet birthday wishes.  I had a great day with B.  We took C to the dog park, caught up on TV shows and went out for a nice dinner.  I am super excited for my awesome 80’s birthday party this weekend.  We will be decked out in 80’s fashion and dancing to 80’s music videos. What could be a better way to celebrate the big 3-0? (except for finding out we are pregnant of course).

This post is a bit all over the place, but I want to share everything new and relevant.  Today I made my first appointment with an acupuncturist.  I have been thinking about going for a while now.  I thought it would be a good idea for overall stress reduction and to help with the retrieval and transfer.  However, I never took the step in actually going for it.  That is until yesterday when I woke up with a stiff jaw.  I’m not in complete pain, but definitely discomfort and a slight clicking in my jaw on the left side.  My mom recently was diagnosed with TMJ and the only thing that worked immediately was acupuncture.  So I made the appointment.  I’m excited!  I’ve heard good things from other bloggers, so I hope good things happen for us.

It’s going to be another rough week at work, but Saturday is party time! :)

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Hard Day

Today feels like it’s going to be a hard day already.  I did not sleep well at all last night thanks to my dog C barking his head off 3 separate times though out the night.  I also had a ton of bad dreams about my upcoming birthday celebration.  I guess I am not feeling completely ready for it.  I need to get an outfit to wear this weekend (80’s themed party) and get prizes for my guests that are best dressed.  B also needs an outfit.  I’m still waiting for MANY people to RSVP (they have until Saturday, but I am early on everything) and I guess it’s just making me anxious.  Did I mention I was turning 30?  Some of the anxiety I have been feeling may be more related to that than the actual party itself.

Work has also been EXTREMELY stressful and I have had SO many meetings this week that I haven’t started either of the 2 reports I need to get done by today.  I’m in meetings ALL day today too, so it looks like they may not get done until Friday.  Oh well :(

BCP’s are going fine.  I’ve actually been feeling some twinges on my ovaries the past few days…I wonder if I am feeling the follicles getting smaller?

Well I am just tired today…and when I am tired I have a shorter fuse for things and lately people at work have been showing an extremely frustrating level of incompetence, which requires me to work more and harder.  I’m also feeling pretty emotional today…again probably b/c I am so tired.  I feel like I could cry at any moment.  I just want to crawl back under the covers and sleep through this entire day.  Can you just feel the negativity?

Hoping some positivity finds its way into my day!

Next Steps

Saturday marked the day of starting over..CD1 we meet again.  I started BCPs, which I will continue to take until 10/28.  My meds have been ordered and will arrive on 11/1.  The team of RE’s and nurses have decided to try a different protocol this time around.  I will be on the Microdose Lupron protocol for our second round of IVF (cycle #2?…I’m still having a hard time grasping the fact that IVF cycle 1 and FET 1 both failed!).  They came to this decision because they would like to try and get my ovaries to produce more eggs than last time (I only had 5 retrieved).  Last time my body responded very well to the stimulant medication and apparently things happened too quickly.  They would like to slow things down a bit and extend my stimulation phase.  On the first cycle I was only on stims for 5 days instead of the 7-10 days they aim for.

So the Microdose Lupron protocol looks like this….

BCP’s for 16 days to get all of my follicles back down to the same size and nice and quiet (whatever that means).  Stop pills on 10/28, wait for period and then get baseline ultrasound and b/w.  If all looks okay, I will start the Microdose Lupron, which I only take for 2 days before starting the stims (Gonal-F..no Menapur in addition this time).  The hope is that my body does not respond as quickly to the stims and will allow more time for more follicles to grow at a similar rate.  Also different this time is my schedule of shots.  Instead of 1 shot (b/c I could mix the meds), 1x per day in the evening, I need to give myself 2 shots (microdose lupron and Gonal F), 2x per day 12 hours a part (oh joy!).  Retrieval and transfer are tentatively scheduled for the week of 11/10/12.  Unfortunately this means that I will need to miss more time at work.  The b/w appointments are not so bad because the lab opens at 7:15am and I am usually able to get right in and out and get to work by 8am.  More like 8:15ish if I have ultrasound too.  I will be taking full days off for both the retrieval and transfer dates.  Physically, I was fine after the transfer last time, but psychologically and emotionally I would not be able to be at work in anticipation of the transfer (transfers happen beginning at 11am).

I still can’t believe we are in this place.  I’ve only told 2 people that they FET failed.  And both responses were utter shock.  They were shocked when the fresh cycle didn’t work, but I think for them to hear that after 2 chances and we still failed made their level of optimism deflate a little bit.  I told my aunt and one of my good friends who have probably been the best throughout this whole process.  They are the only two that will openly ask me how I am doing and take my lead for where the conversation will go.  Others that I’ve told only talk about it with me if I am the one to bring it up…which is sometimes hard.  Both of these people have been about 50% realistic and 50% hopeful and optimistic.  I really felt the scales tip slightly when I shared the news.  They were shocked, we were shocked, and even my nurses and RE were shocked.  One of the nurses actually said, “We should have gotten you pregnant by now”.  These words were somehow comforting.  I felt like they as medical professionals were taking on some of our failure, which in a way took away some of the pain.  The only way I can describe it is this…when you lose something as an individual say a swimming race, you take on all the feelings of disappointment, but when you lose something as a team like a soccer game, you the disappointment is spread among all the players.  I felt like the nurse was saying we lose as a team and we will work harder next time to win as a team.  I cannot say enough positive things about the team of people trying to get B and I our baby.

So even though I am still in a bit of shock, we are moving forward.  I also take comfort in the fact that we are not just going to repeat what we did last time again this time and hope for a different outcome.  Although things went well last time, we didn’t get the outcome we hoped for…so this time we are taking what we learned from before and making changes based on what we know.  Hoping for a positive this time around :)

Tomorrow is Beta Day

…and I’m kinda freaking out right now.  I have been googling early pregnancy symptoms since my last post.  I’m pretty sure that is what has done me in.  I’ve found many blog posts and postings on pregnancy boards that confirm the “full feeling” in your uterus as a symptom as everyone that posted about it later confirmed they were indeed pregnant.  I’ve completely set myself up here.  After our fresh cycle I felt nothing…no changes in my body at all.  And now with this frozen blast cycle I am convinced I am pregnant because my body feels different.  How can I actually trust my body to know something like this?  If we get a negative result tomorrow I do not know how I will deal.  I got myself way too pumped up in the positive direction…if it’s a negative it’s going to be a very long way down for me.

I will be going in late to work tomorrow after the blood draw, but I didn’t take the day off.  I hate missing work and I’ve missed a lot due to infertility.  Actually, I only miss 3 days each year and that’s because they are Flex days and if we don’t use them we lose them.  And now, I’ve missed a lot and I don’t want to deplete my sick time for when we actually do become pregnant so I will have some paid leave left over.  Ugh!  I can’t believe I got myself so fired up about this.  Even when I start to think negatively or not even negatively, but just trying to talk myself back down to reality, my brain just goes right back to believing we will have a positive.  I’m terrified for a negative result, but even as I write this, I feel it’s positive. How can that be?  How can I be so sure of something, yet so scared the thing I’m sure of is not true?  It’s nuts!

I’m going to ask the nurses not to call me until after 2pm tomorrow since I’ll be at work the rest of the day and I can’t stand the thought have having to work the rest of the day wondering when they will call.  And then if they did call before 2pm, how would I make it through the rest of the day if it is negative….or positive.  I would have zero focus.  But if it is negative, I’m sure I would go into complete meltdown mode.  Of course I can just leave work and send my boss a note saying I had to leave early, but I would hate that trapped feeling even for a second.  So I don’t know if the nurses can/will comply with my request, but hopefully it is a  non-issue.  Last time they called around 2:30pm so I’m guessing that is about when they make their calls.

I hope I can sleep tonight, so I can make it through the day tomorrow…

Symptoms???

Since we found out we were infertile, I have not put much stock into how my body was feeling after our 3 IUI’s and even our first cycle of IVF.  I haven’t analyzed how I was feeling and convinced myself I was having symptoms of early pregnancy.  I have really approached it as we will just wait and see what happens.  After our first cycle of IVF, I did have sore boobs, but I just chalked that up to being from the progesterone and estrogen.  Other than that, I didn’t even feel much at all.

This cycle, for whatever reason, my body feels different and my mind is going right along with it.  I think I’m pregnant.  Of course if I’m actually not pregnant then I will feel silly about this statement later, but I felt the need to just put it out there.  I have been unusually exhausted this week, which I understand can just be from stress and working so much.  But I have been stressed and working a lot since the beginning of the school year and I have not felt this exhausted.  This week, I’ve gone to be early every night.  And by early I mean before 9pm.  Actually, on Tuesday, I fell asleep on the couch at 6:30pm and my husband woke me up at 7:30pm and told me to just go to bed (it may or may not have been due to my snoring interrupting his TV watching…ha!).  I slept 11 hours that night.  On Thursday, I had some brownish spotting when I wiped 1x.  That is the only time I had it, but I read that implantation bleeding occurs between 48 hours and 5 days after a 5 day transfer.  And I had my FET on Monday, so that falls right into the window.  My boobs are sore, but that is definitely from the progesterone and estrogen b/c they have been sore the entire time I’ve been on the meds.  I’m also emotional in the sense that I am on the verge of crying pretty much all day long.  I don’t mean that I feel like crying every moment, but that the simplest thing can make me get a bit choked up and ready to cry.  Luckily, I have been able to keep myself together at work.  And the last symptom I am feeling is a full feeling in my uterus.  I’m not sure if that is the right way to describe it, but last night especially I had this uncomfortable almost heavy feeling below my stomach.  I’m not sure if anyone would qualify this as a symptom, but it is definitely a different feeling than every other month we were trying to get pregnant.

So I’d be excited to hear from others.  I know that all the things I listed above could all be due to the meds or just my imagination, but I just have this feeling I’m pregnant.  And I am fully aware that if I am wrong, this will be the hardest negative beta result to receive.