At a loss for words…

Lately I have been disconnected from my own blog.  I’ve still stayed very connected to all of you by reading and commenting on your blogs.  I just don’t feel like sitting down to type anything meaningful.  I definitely don’t feel disconnected from my infertility now that I am pregnant.  I guess I just don’t feel like writing about it?  The news is finally out.  B and I both shared the news with work and then friends (family already knew) and it is definitely out there.  I was a little nervous about how I might feel sharing that we are expecting twins…not that we are not extremely happy about this, but that it might automatically lead to an uncomfortable line of questioning.  However, there was nothing uncomfortable about it at all.  Some people have asked, “Do twins run in your family?” and others have not asked anything at all.  In both circumstances, I’ve found myself easily able to share that we achieved pregnancy and twins through infertility treatment.  Depending on the person, we either just shared vague information (like we’ve been trying for a LONG time and finally were able to with fertility assistance) or the conversation went into more detail (we’ve been trying for 2 years, this was our 3rd cycle of IVF, b/c it was our 3rd cycle and our embryos were non-top quality we decided to transfer 2, etc.)  Overall, the experience was nothing like I imagined it to be and in a way I feel proud of myself for being so open about our experience.  I think it helped that B was so willing to be open about it, which surprised me b/c he is so private.  That gave me a sense of comfort as well.

I’ve experience several FB and other types of pregnancy announcements over the past couple of weeks.  Even though we are finally pregnant, it still STINGS!  Yikes, does it sting. My best friend informed me that another friend of hers is pregnant and due the same week as me…(oh you mean the friend that just got married this summer…fanfreakentastic!!!)  This person has nothing to do with me other than being a friend of a friend that I maybe see 1x a year.  Was she deliberately trying to hurt me by getting pregnant so easily?  Of course not…I’m pretty sure she and her husband were not at all thinking about me when they made this decision!  But logic is not always part of infertility…it’s just another piece of evidence that others had it easier than us.  And it still doesn’t seem fair.  None of it does.

I have been wanting to write several posts about big picture infertility topics, but I just don’t seem to have the energy or drive.  I really want to write about infertility insurance coverage (or lack there of nationally)…especially b/c I am one of the lucky ones who lives in a state that gives great coverage (still costs way more than getting pregnant on our own), which made it manageable for us to get where we are today.  Just another thing on my to do list, that has not been crossed off….however, I’m not pressuring myself to write blogs – this is an outlet and resource (I hope for others) and will go at my own pace.  I never want to feel like it’s a hassle to write…especially b/c I typically don’t enjoy writing.

Well it seems I’m not so much at a loss for words anymore…

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Sickness

Yes, that is right, I have been sick since Christmas Day!  I had a little reprieve for a couple days in early January, but then I was hit with acute bronchitis.  I had to miss several days of work.  I hadn’t exercised.  Today was the first day I was able to get out and walk to the dog for our usual walk (3.5 miles).  I had little to no appetite and didn’t eat much more than chicken broth and mac and cheese.  I have been completely knocked out.  I did make it through a whole work week last week, but that is all I was able to do.  It took all of my energy to get there, get the priority stuff done and get myself home.  I did not grocery shop.  I did not clean or do laundry.  I have been pretty much useless for over 3 weeks.  B also became sick last week and is still fighting off the tail end of it.  He had an ear infection and sinus infection so at least he was able to get some meds to help fight it.  Yesterday I went grocery shopping and caught up on laundry.  Today I have some work to do from home to catch up from the days I missed.  I finally have some energy back and I’m starting to feel better.  I hardly ever get sick and when I do it’s just a measly cold that I can usually work through and be done with in a couple days.  I have never been so sick in my life!  I’m guessing it’s a combination of my immune system being vulnerable due to the pregnancy and the massive germs that have been spreading around the Northeast (as other places I’m sure).

A quick pregnancy update for those that like to know what is going on….

Today I am 12 weeks.  Symptoms have been pretty much masked by or intertwined with my sickness.  Before I got sick I was feeling slightly nauseous and very tired…still feel both of those.  Thursday we have our 1st trimester screen (ultrasound and b/w).  If everything looks good on Thursday, we will both be telling work.  Everyone in our immediate and close extended family knows.  Once we tell work, we will be telling friends.  After going through everything we’ve been through to get to this point, it feels strange to not have any medical proof of what is happening with my body.  The last ultrasound was 8 weeks, 4 days.  It will be 4 weeks on Thursday without knowing what is going on.  It is very hard not to let my imagination run wild.  I keep going back to the fact that I’ve had no painful cramping or any bleeding whatsoever.  I’m using that as my proof that everything is still okay with the twins.  It is still hard to sit with the unknown though.  I will feel a lot better after we have the ultrasound on Thursday…I also think we will get to hear the heartbeats for the first time, which I am really looking forward to.  So for now I’m just hanging in there trying to get myself feeling better and hopefully getting to enjoy being pregnant for a while.