At a loss for words…

Lately I have been disconnected from my own blog.  I’ve still stayed very connected to all of you by reading and commenting on your blogs.  I just don’t feel like sitting down to type anything meaningful.  I definitely don’t feel disconnected from my infertility now that I am pregnant.  I guess I just don’t feel like writing about it?  The news is finally out.  B and I both shared the news with work and then friends (family already knew) and it is definitely out there.  I was a little nervous about how I might feel sharing that we are expecting twins…not that we are not extremely happy about this, but that it might automatically lead to an uncomfortable line of questioning.  However, there was nothing uncomfortable about it at all.  Some people have asked, “Do twins run in your family?” and others have not asked anything at all.  In both circumstances, I’ve found myself easily able to share that we achieved pregnancy and twins through infertility treatment.  Depending on the person, we either just shared vague information (like we’ve been trying for a LONG time and finally were able to with fertility assistance) or the conversation went into more detail (we’ve been trying for 2 years, this was our 3rd cycle of IVF, b/c it was our 3rd cycle and our embryos were non-top quality we decided to transfer 2, etc.)  Overall, the experience was nothing like I imagined it to be and in a way I feel proud of myself for being so open about our experience.  I think it helped that B was so willing to be open about it, which surprised me b/c he is so private.  That gave me a sense of comfort as well.

I’ve experience several FB and other types of pregnancy announcements over the past couple of weeks.  Even though we are finally pregnant, it still STINGS!  Yikes, does it sting. My best friend informed me that another friend of hers is pregnant and due the same week as me…(oh you mean the friend that just got married this summer…fanfreakentastic!!!)  This person has nothing to do with me other than being a friend of a friend that I maybe see 1x a year.  Was she deliberately trying to hurt me by getting pregnant so easily?  Of course not…I’m pretty sure she and her husband were not at all thinking about me when they made this decision!  But logic is not always part of infertility…it’s just another piece of evidence that others had it easier than us.  And it still doesn’t seem fair.  None of it does.

I have been wanting to write several posts about big picture infertility topics, but I just don’t seem to have the energy or drive.  I really want to write about infertility insurance coverage (or lack there of nationally)…especially b/c I am one of the lucky ones who lives in a state that gives great coverage (still costs way more than getting pregnant on our own), which made it manageable for us to get where we are today.  Just another thing on my to do list, that has not been crossed off….however, I’m not pressuring myself to write blogs – this is an outlet and resource (I hope for others) and will go at my own pace.  I never want to feel like it’s a hassle to write…especially b/c I typically don’t enjoy writing.

Well it seems I’m not so much at a loss for words anymore…

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4 thoughts on “At a loss for words…

  1. It still stings for me and my daughter is currently driving me batty by trying to type on my keyboard. I think part of the stinging is the fact that so many people just get pregnant and aren’t aware of how hard it is for others. They don’t know how lucky they are.

    As for writing…this is your space for you. Yes, others might get something out of it, but really…it’s for you. Take your time…we’ll be here….

  2. I just wanted to say that I get it. Even though you make it this far it is still never easy to hear from those that never had to work hard for a baby, but I hope that the scars lessen. I wanted to tell you that I appreciate how you have written your blog and I love hearing your thoughts.

    • Thanks for your comment…I know I’m not alone in my feelings, but it’s always nice to read those words on my blog. And I’m really glad to hear that you enjoy my blog! At times I feel like I’m just writing to write for myself (which is very helpful), but it’s especially nice to hear that you enjoy what I write as well :)

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