That is the only way to describe how I feel right now. Technically I am 5 wks, 2 days pregnant. I can barely admit that I’m pregnant to myself. B and I hardly talk about it. The only person other than our Dr. and nurses that knows is my accupuncturist. We don’t want to tell anyone else until we’ve had the ultrasound on 12/14. I still don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I certainly don’t feel as though I belong with others that are pregnant. I barely even believe that I am. There has been some discussion about how many in the infertile community no longer wish to be a part of those infertiles that become pregnant. I feel I’ve been kicked out of the club and am no longer welcome just because I got lucky. I didn’t do anything to deserve this and I didn’t earn it. I just got lucky. Getting lucky has not taken away the pain and heartache B and I have experienced for the past 2 years. It has not healed the scars. And becoming pregnant after infertility makes me scared of all the possible things that can go wrong. We have a long scary road ahead of us.
I’ve been extremely tired as I have been for the past 2 months and I’m still experiencing some cramping/stretching in my abdomen. I’m slightly constipated so I’ve been trying really hard to increase my fiber to avoid full on constipation. I’ve had some pain, but not every day. I’ve been able to go every day, but let’s just say it’s been difficult. I haven’t had any bleeding so I’m assuming things are going okay. I wonder when this will feel real. I feel like we were happy to not have a negative, but it doesn’t feel like we are yet able to enjoy that it’s a true positive. We are just taking things day by day.
Update: I was just thinking about what I wrote. I haven’t had any bleeding. Does that mean that BOTH embryos implanted? Is it possible to not have any bleeding and still only have 1 embryo implant? I would appreciate any insight to this. Will we be able to find out whether there are 1 or 2 at the ultrasound? How does that work? And what are the chances that if both implanted that one will not make it?