No-mans Land

That is the only way to describe how I feel right now.  Technically I am 5 wks, 2 days pregnant.  I can barely admit that I’m pregnant to myself.  B and I hardly talk about it.  The only person other than our Dr. and nurses that knows is my accupuncturist.  We don’t want to tell anyone else until we’ve had the ultrasound on 12/14.  I still don’t feel like I belong anywhere.  I certainly don’t feel as though I belong with others that are pregnant.  I barely even believe that I am.  There has been some discussion about how many in the infertile community no longer wish to be a part of those infertiles that become pregnant.  I feel I’ve been kicked out of the club and am no longer welcome just because I got lucky.  I didn’t do anything to deserve this and I didn’t earn it.  I just got lucky.  Getting lucky has not taken away the pain and heartache B and I have experienced for the past 2 years.  It has not healed the scars.  And becoming pregnant after infertility makes me scared of all the possible things that can go wrong.  We have a long scary road ahead of us.

I’ve been extremely tired as I have been for the past 2 months and I’m still experiencing some cramping/stretching in my abdomen.  I’m slightly constipated so I’ve been trying really hard to increase my fiber to avoid full on constipation.  I’ve had some pain, but not every day.  I’ve been able to go every day, but let’s just say it’s been difficult.  I haven’t had any bleeding so I’m assuming things are going okay.  I wonder when this will feel real.  I feel like we were happy to not have a negative, but it doesn’t feel like we are yet able to enjoy that it’s a true positive.  We are just taking things day by day.

Update:  I was just thinking about what I wrote.  I haven’t had any bleeding.  Does that mean that BOTH embryos implanted?  Is it possible to not have any bleeding and still only have 1 embryo implant?  I would appreciate any insight to this.  Will we be able to find out whether there are 1 or 2 at the ultrasound?  How does that work?  And what are the chances that if both implanted that one will not make it?

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5 thoughts on “No-mans Land

  1. I feel like this was written for me. I’m 6 + 2 today and I’m feeling everything you’re feeling. It’s a very strange place to be in. My first appointment is 12/10 so I will hope and pray that both of our ultrasounds result in nothing but fantastic news.

  2. I totally understand how you feel! It is definitely scary being pregnant after infertility because I think we are so much more aware of the risks. My husband has spent the whole time so far trying to convince me to relax and enjoy it, but it is hard.

    I transferred two embryos and only had one implant. I never had any bleeding or anything in the beginning as a sign one way or the other. We found out that one “took” at our first ultrasound at 6 weeks.

    Good luck!

  3. no man’s land is right…I felt that way through my whole pregnancy. And I still struggle with where I fit in because I’m not a normal mommy, I’m still infertile and I have a kid. So where do I fit? PAIL was started just for this. For those who are pregnant and or parenting through the adoption infertility and loss. Where no man’s land is…

    You’re not alone in your feelings. I know A LOT of us have gone through this. Yes some people stop reading, commenting or following because of where they are in their journey. It has nothing to do with you personally. Some will continue to follow, read and comment. And you will find others who are right where you are…

    And the bleeding…no it does not necessarily mean both implanted if you’ve had no bleeding. If one didn’t implant it just disintegrates and is absorbed. You would only have bleeding if neither implanted or if one or both implanted and one stopped growing. And sometimes even then you wouldn’t have bleeding. But it doesn’t mean that both didn’t…yeah, I know I’m a lot of help here aren’t I?

    Ultrasound is just over a week away…hold tight…it’s just one of many milestones…thinking of you!

    • I’ve seen a bunch of people mention PAIL lately. Maybe I will feel like I can check it out after our ultrasound on Friday. I’m still not convinced I’m pregnant, but I think if I see it I will start to believe it. Even though I do feel some symptoms, I know that could be due to the Estrogen and Progesterone I am still on and I’ve felt symptoms before that turned out to be in my own head! But PAIL does sound like a good resource for those feeling alone in no-mans land.

  4. I totally get where you are coming from and even now I still don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I went to an event a couple nights ago and I have another friend that is struggling to get pregnant and I don’t feel that we are in the same boat any longer, but around other people that have kids I don’t feel that I can quite talk to them like everything is normal. It is strange what IF does to us. Anyways I hope that your U/S goes perfectly and that you can push some of the worries away!

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