New Year’s Wish

My wish for 2013 is for all my blog friends to receive BFP’s that stick.  2012 has been a very rough year for many of us.  I feel very fortunate that 2012 ended with a long awaited BFP, but I know many of you are still stuck in the shitty trenches.  So I wish 2013 is your year.  For myself, I wish we continue to have a healthy pregnancy and 2 healthy babies.  Today I am 9 weeks.  It feels good to be progressing, but it’s also very strange this early on.  One minute I am terrified it’s all over and the next I am searching online for baby gear and planning out the nursery.  We have a very long way to go and having gone through infertility and failed cycles I know very well complications can arise at any time.  I’ve been fairly good at pushing them aside, but the thoughts are always there lingering.

Tonight I have no celebration planned.  B is working all night and I am on day 6 of being sick.  I have no energy.  I am stuffed up with a sore throat and tend to get in coughing fits when I lay down.  The mornings and evenings are the worst…it seems all the mucus comes out at these times and the nose blowing and stuffy feeling is constant.  I haven’t left the house in 7 days (with the exception of 2 very short walks I took C on when B wasn’t able to).  Luckily B is a clean freak and has been sanitizing everything every day and has washed the sheets.  I have to go back to work on Wednesday and I am hoping I feel better by then.  If not, going to work sick is not going to fun.

I hope everyone has a very safe and happy new year’s eve celebration tonight!

Christmas Vacation

While out on Christmas Eve, my throat felt a bit scratchy.  I felt fine, but it was enough to let me know Christmas Day was not going to be so good.  And I’ve held onto this head cold/sore throat since then.  I haven’t slept much at all (except for last night) and I’ve been between the couch and bed and nothing else.  B, C and I did have a nice Christmas morning opening gifts.  Despite being sick, it was nice to watch C open his new toys and treats…he was exhausted by mid-morning!  I’ve been getting a bit antsy as I’ve done absolutely nothing productive, but I guess it’s good for me to really just relax.

Yesterday we had our last ultrasound appointment at the RE’s office.  Everything looks good.  My cervix was long and closed (45 was the number she said…not sure what that means).  And our two little babies are growing.  Baby B caught up to Baby A and they are both measuring 21mm at 8 weeks, 6 days.  Their heartbeats were measured at 165 and 175.  This time we could actually see the mid-brain, and the arm and leg buds.  It was really cool.  Baby B was standing on its head, so B told me that one is mine..haha!  We called my parents and shared the new information with them and sent them a couple pics we got at the appointment.  We still haven’t shared the news with anyone else.  Next weekend we plan to tell my aunt, grandma and godmother when we see them in person.  We probably won’t tell B’s family until we make it to the 12 week mark.  We don’t want it out out until then and unfortunately I don’t think they will be able to keep it quiet.  I am willing to tell them sooner, but B rather wait.  It’s starting to feel real.  B and I spent some time yesterday discussing how we would change the guest room around.  I had started clearing some stuff out last week, but B got the half-chewed (thank you puppy C) area rug and big wooden chair out of there.  I think we agree on a layout for the room, we just need to get some more furniture.  My mom already said she would purchase the cribs.  We want to get a queen size daybed, but they don’t seem to exist.  Anyone have any leads on where we could get one?  Or how we could create a frame for a queen mattress?

C has been particularly cute and cuddly these days.  He snuggles up right to the back of my legs.  I wonder if he can sense something is different…or if he actually understands what I’m saying b/c I’ve told him about 100x the babies are in my belly!  I’m feeling quite happy about all of this…but don’t worry, I haven’t completely let down my guard.

Posting

When do bloggers choose to post?  When do they choose not to post?  I check blogs that I follow just about every day to see if there is a new post.  It is rare that I don’t even have the chance to check, but occasionally it does happen.  For the most part, I’m a daily reader.  I have also been a very boring person over the past 2 years.  I have gone out with friends a bit, but nothing like I used to.  Infertility has taken so much out of me (both physically and emotionally), that I have mostly chosen to keep to myself.  I haven’t initiated any get togethers with friends, aside from a monthly dinner I have with my roommate from grad school (which at times, she has to push me to nail down a date).  My point is, I don’t have much of a life anymore.  I don’t want to make it seem like I don’t have any friends or that I never make the effort, but overall my daily schedule is quite boring.  Thus, leaving me much time to read blogs.  However, it also leaves me with not much to post on my own blog.  Life has been pretty boring aside from infertility stuff.  And with that, there is always that wait time where not much is happening.

The point I’m getting to is that I am often disappointed when the women I follow have not posted anything new.  Yes, I realized I’m being a bit hypocritical as I do not post every day.  But, I am very curious to hear about where others are in their cycle, or their now pregnancy.  And to be honest, I guess it makes me feel like I’m connected to them when I get to read about something new happening.  (I swear I’m not a creepy stalker that believes people I’ve never met are my best friends).  I think you all know what I mean though…this is a place where we all have something sucky in common that gives us a sense of comfort.

I tend to become disappointed when a blogger hasn’t posted anything new, especially if it has been a couple of days or longer.  Do people not post more often b/c they are extremely busy and don’t have the time?  Do they not post b/c there are some things they need to process for a while before sharing with the blogging community?  Are there other reasons?  Just something I’ve been thinking about lately…

For those of you that celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a wonderful holiday!  B and I will be spending time with some family and friends tonight, but tomorrow it’s just us and the pup….exactly how I want it! :)  I am very thankful that this Christmas our wish came true and we have 2 little ones on the way.  I am only 8 weeks today and I know there could still be bad news, but I’m going to focus on the present and just enjoy it while we can.  We have our follow-up ultrasound with our RE on Friday.  If all is okay it will be our last appointment with them.  It will of course be bittersweet.

Ultrasound Day

B and I got to the RE’s office at 9am for our appointment.  They were a bit backed up so we didn’t get in until 9:30am.  It was strange sitting in the waiting room with others.  Before today I had always assumed those in the waiting room with me were in the same place as I was.  It never occurred to me that any of them might have been going in for an ultrasound b/c they were pregnant.  I mean it’s really pretty silly, but that is just the place I was in so I guess I assumed they were in it with me.  Today I had a tinge of guilt, but I also knew that there were a bunch of BFP’s for this past IVF cycle.  When I spoke to the nurse about our doubling beta level she was flustering a little bit to find when my ultrasound appointment would be.  She said she couldn’t remember off the top of her head b/c they had so many BFP’s this cycle.  I was hoping that’s why the others in the waiting room were there, but I also kept myself in check so that I didn’t inadvertently seem too happy while we were waiting or when we left.

We were in the room with A our favorite ultrasound tech and K one of our favorite nurses.  We got started right away and the first thing A said was, “How do you both feel about twins?!!!!” and turned the monitor so we could see. B and I both had huge smiles on our faces and we both even giggled a little bit.  We were relieved, shocked, happy, excited, terrified, nervous, you name it, we felt it.  But most of all we are happy.  Then A turned the monitor back and took a closer look.  She named them A and B.  A is measuring at 6w3d with a HB of 128 and B is measuring a couple days behind at 6w0d with a HB of 122.  My ovaries are still HUGE, but not so huge that there was any concern.  Everything looked good to A so we were SO relieved!  K scheduled us for 1 more ultrasound in 2 weeks (12/28) and gave us a referral to an OB in the same hospital.  The OB is actually on the 4th floor of the same building and he did a rotation in the IVF unit.  This was what sold me on him.  K gave several recommendations, but I asked her for someone who would be especially sensitive to what we went through and informed about IVF (partly so I don’t feel like I need to teach my doctor about how we got here).  I made our first appointment with him for 1/3/13 (I will be 9 weeks, 3 days).  I asked K when it would be okay to tell people and she said after the 8 week ultrasound as long as everything looked good.  She said that 6-8 weeks is the most critical time period.  She also said there is a chance that we could have a vanishing twin, but there was nothing to suggest that from what A saw on the ultrasound.

K also tracked down our RE so she could congratulate us and we could thank her.  She isn’t scheduled to work on the 28th when we go back so she wanted to see us today.  I liked her, but I honestly didn’t have much contact with her.  I spent most of my time with the nurses and ultrasound tech.  E, who is our other favorite nurse was not there today, but K said she would make sure E would be there on the 28th b/c she is so happy for us!  That was so nice to hear.  I truly feel lucky that we were not just physically cared for by our team, but emotionally cared for as well.  I know they wanted us to become pregnant just as much as we wanted it.   I don’t feel like we are out of the woods yet, but I do feel like we’ve hit the next milestone and I can breathe a bit easier now.

We still haven’t told anyone.  We wanted to tell my parents today on facetime, but my mom  was in the car on her way out to dinner with friends when we called.  We will try to get them both together again tomorrow afternoon.  We want to see their faces when we tell them.  We also want to be very clear that we are not ready to tell anyone else and expect them to keep it a secret.  I trust my dad completely with this, but my mom is another story.  I don’t know if anyone remembers a post I wrote a couple of months ago, but my mom told my brother that B and I are infertile.  I was furious with her for doing that, but she still feels he had a right to know.  We want to make it clear to her that we told her b/c we want her to be a part of it, but we expect her to keep things quiet until we are in the “safe” zone.  This will be 12 weeks for us as long as there are no complications at that point.

When we decided to transfer 2 non-top quality embryo’s I was terrified because I truly did not want twins.  Once we talked about it more, I felt it was the right decision medically as we already had 2 failed cycles with single top quality embryos.  Over the past couple of weeks, I have been wondering what this first ultrasound would be like.  How would I feel if there were no heartbeats?…heartbroken, defeated, helpless, to name a few  How would I feel if there was only 1 heartbeat?…and to my surprise, my initial thought was happy of course, but also a bit sad and disappointed.  How would I feel if there were two heartbeats?…thrilled, happy, terrified, but mostly happy.  Today I truly expected to only see 1 heartbeat because my beta levels weren’t super high (245 and 2 days later 491).  I can truly say that I am happy at the thought of twins.  I know things might not say this way, but for right now B and I are feeling like the luckiest couple in the world.

Etiquette for commenting after a BFP

After reading posts about those who choose to stop following blogs once a BFP is announced, it’s made me wonder what those still in the trenches feel about pregnant women commenting on their blogs.  I assume there is a range of feelings different people may have, but is there a general etiquette to be followed?  I know that I’ve enjoyed receiving support from women in all different circumstances, but I’m thinking I might be in the minority.  Is a comment from a woman with a recent BFP too hurtful?  If the blogger is having an especially difficult time (for example, just had a miscarriage, failed cycle, ectopic) should someone who just had a BFP refrain from commenting?  I would like to comment as I always have, but I thought I should check-in before I hurt someone unintentionally.

In other news, I am extremely exhausted.  I sleep from 8/8:30pm to 5:30/6:00am and yet I still feel tired all day long.  Work has been extremely stressful and mentally draining.  Thinking about our ultrasound on Friday has been emotionally draining.  I’m completely taxed on all fronts.  I’ve had some mild cramping, but it doesn’t last long and it’s not too painful (maybe a 3 on the 1-10 scale).  It may have to do with the mild constipation…I’m not really sure the cause.  I haven’t had any bleeding or spotting.  Most of the day yesterday I experienced mild nausea.  I was able to eat, but it was easier to snack every couple hours instead of eating several meals.  This morning I also felt a tinge and needed to have some saltines and small can of Ginger Ale.  I was feeling slightly off on my drive into work, but otherwise was okay.  I am sick of the prometrium tablets…the amount of goop coming out of me is disgusting!!!  I hope everything goes well on Friday.

No-mans Land

That is the only way to describe how I feel right now.  Technically I am 5 wks, 2 days pregnant.  I can barely admit that I’m pregnant to myself.  B and I hardly talk about it.  The only person other than our Dr. and nurses that knows is my accupuncturist.  We don’t want to tell anyone else until we’ve had the ultrasound on 12/14.  I still don’t feel like I belong anywhere.  I certainly don’t feel as though I belong with others that are pregnant.  I barely even believe that I am.  There has been some discussion about how many in the infertile community no longer wish to be a part of those infertiles that become pregnant.  I feel I’ve been kicked out of the club and am no longer welcome just because I got lucky.  I didn’t do anything to deserve this and I didn’t earn it.  I just got lucky.  Getting lucky has not taken away the pain and heartache B and I have experienced for the past 2 years.  It has not healed the scars.  And becoming pregnant after infertility makes me scared of all the possible things that can go wrong.  We have a long scary road ahead of us.

I’ve been extremely tired as I have been for the past 2 months and I’m still experiencing some cramping/stretching in my abdomen.  I’m slightly constipated so I’ve been trying really hard to increase my fiber to avoid full on constipation.  I’ve had some pain, but not every day.  I’ve been able to go every day, but let’s just say it’s been difficult.  I haven’t had any bleeding so I’m assuming things are going okay.  I wonder when this will feel real.  I feel like we were happy to not have a negative, but it doesn’t feel like we are yet able to enjoy that it’s a true positive.  We are just taking things day by day.

Update:  I was just thinking about what I wrote.  I haven’t had any bleeding.  Does that mean that BOTH embryos implanted?  Is it possible to not have any bleeding and still only have 1 embryo implant?  I would appreciate any insight to this.  Will we be able to find out whether there are 1 or 2 at the ultrasound?  How does that work?  And what are the chances that if both implanted that one will not make it?

The purpose of this blog…

In reading Stupid Stork’s last post, I felt I had a lot to say on the matter of the pregnant vs. unpregnant blogs out there.  Instead of taking up her entire comments section, I decided to write my own post with my thoughts on the subject and how it specifically relates to me.  First of all, let me say that Stork absolutely ROCKS and she is a great voice in the infertility community that touches upon very important topics.

If you follow this blog, you know that B and I have been trying to get pregnant for just about 2 years (we began trying at the end of December 2010).  We were diagnosed with Male Factor Infertility due to 0% Morphology in January 2012 and began with IUI.  I probably started reading blogs around April and then decided to finally create my own blog in June.  I decided to create my own voice for 3 main reasons: 1) I wasn’t finding the support I needed from my family and friends IRL and I could see how supportive this community was of each other.  I believed I would be welcomed and supported in a way that I hadn’t felt IRL; 2) I needed an outlet for what I was feeling and a safe place to put my emotions out there instead of keeping them bottled up; and 3) I gained so much knowledge from reading other blogs that I felt I should pay it forward.  I wanted a place to give all the information I have learned about IF.  I wanted this to be a space where a newly diagnosed infertile could find more information about IF and feel like someone else out there knows what she is going through.  I’m not a creative writer.  I actually don’t enjoy the act of writing.  If it were not for IF, I would not have a blog.

At this point in time, I am not pregnant.  I am 4wks, 6 days.  Becoming pregnant in the land of IF looks and feels very different than what fertiles experience.  Yes, I am now in the “pregnant” category, but I also continue to be in the “infertile” category.  The BFP would not have been possible without IVF with ICSI.  And even with that intervention, it took one failed fresh cycle and 1 failed FET to get here.  Getting a BFP after IF brings complicated and conflicted feelings.  I am thrilled to be pregnant!  I am equally terrified to be pregnant.  I feel guilt about being a lucky one while many of my sisters in shittiness are still in the trenches.  I worry if this will last and how long.  I worry how I’ll feel if/when we get to announce to family/friends/coworkers/acquaintances IRL.  I wonder how women I don’t know around me still in the trenches of IF will view me when I become visibly pregnant.  I worry how I’ll feel when people who know what we’ve gone through will react to us being pregnant. I worry they will treat us as if they knew it would work all along and now that’s over and done with.  We are still infertile and will still experience all the emotions that go along with IF.

I know things may change down the road, but all the reasons I started this blog will continue to be my inspiration for writing.  This will not become a pregnancy blog with bumpdate posts.  There are several blogs that I enjoy reading that do have these in addition to continuing to talk about IF and how it affects them even now.  However, this is not what I want to blog about.  My blog will allow me to still look to all of you for support.  It will still be an outlet for my emotions.  It will still be a source of information and discussion about IF and IF related topics.  Will I occasionally post about how the pregnancy is going?  Of course.  Being pregnant is part of who I am right now (and what I hope with everything I have that will continue to be).  When I created the title of my blog, I wanted it to be something that could apply to anything so that I could write about anything and it could evolve into other things.  For right now, I am going to continue to write about IF, but I’m open to change in the future.

As I saw on Stork’s post, several of you will choose to discontinue reading my blog as you continue reading other people’s blogs once they become pregnant.  I would encourage you to re-think your position on this (unless it’s a born-again fertile situation).  I have many blogs in which I read where the women still need support from this community throughout their pregnancy.  They need support when they get dismissive comments from others IRL as if their infertility is suddenly gone now that they are pregnant.  There are many women that experience a loss or complications with their pregnancy.  Not only do they need your support, but they also provide a wonderful resource of information.  By sticking with these women, I’ve been able to console them and let them know they are not alone, but I’ve also learned about testing and complications that happen during pregnancy.  This will allow me to be a better advocate for myself, my health, and my future (hopefully!) baby.

For the record, I am overjoyed for every BFP I see from an infertiles blog!  At the same time, I feel a twinge of pain b/c it’s not me, but I always am happy for them.  We all deserve the same thing…a healthy take home baby.  No one deserves it more or less than one another.  We all deserve it.