Saturday marked the day of starting over..CD1 we meet again. I started BCPs, which I will continue to take until 10/28. My meds have been ordered and will arrive on 11/1. The team of RE’s and nurses have decided to try a different protocol this time around. I will be on the Microdose Lupron protocol for our second round of IVF (cycle #2?…I’m still having a hard time grasping the fact that IVF cycle 1 and FET 1 both failed!). They came to this decision because they would like to try and get my ovaries to produce more eggs than last time (I only had 5 retrieved). Last time my body responded very well to the stimulant medication and apparently things happened too quickly. They would like to slow things down a bit and extend my stimulation phase. On the first cycle I was only on stims for 5 days instead of the 7-10 days they aim for.
So the Microdose Lupron protocol looks like this….
BCP’s for 16 days to get all of my follicles back down to the same size and nice and quiet (whatever that means). Stop pills on 10/28, wait for period and then get baseline ultrasound and b/w. If all looks okay, I will start the Microdose Lupron, which I only take for 2 days before starting the stims (Gonal-F..no Menapur in addition this time). The hope is that my body does not respond as quickly to the stims and will allow more time for more follicles to grow at a similar rate. Also different this time is my schedule of shots. Instead of 1 shot (b/c I could mix the meds), 1x per day in the evening, I need to give myself 2 shots (microdose lupron and Gonal F), 2x per day 12 hours a part (oh joy!). Retrieval and transfer are tentatively scheduled for the week of 11/10/12. Unfortunately this means that I will need to miss more time at work. The b/w appointments are not so bad because the lab opens at 7:15am and I am usually able to get right in and out and get to work by 8am. More like 8:15ish if I have ultrasound too. I will be taking full days off for both the retrieval and transfer dates. Physically, I was fine after the transfer last time, but psychologically and emotionally I would not be able to be at work in anticipation of the transfer (transfers happen beginning at 11am).
I still can’t believe we are in this place. I’ve only told 2 people that they FET failed. And both responses were utter shock. They were shocked when the fresh cycle didn’t work, but I think for them to hear that after 2 chances and we still failed made their level of optimism deflate a little bit. I told my aunt and one of my good friends who have probably been the best throughout this whole process. They are the only two that will openly ask me how I am doing and take my lead for where the conversation will go. Others that I’ve told only talk about it with me if I am the one to bring it up…which is sometimes hard. Both of these people have been about 50% realistic and 50% hopeful and optimistic. I really felt the scales tip slightly when I shared the news. They were shocked, we were shocked, and even my nurses and RE were shocked. One of the nurses actually said, “We should have gotten you pregnant by now”. These words were somehow comforting. I felt like they as medical professionals were taking on some of our failure, which in a way took away some of the pain. The only way I can describe it is this…when you lose something as an individual say a swimming race, you take on all the feelings of disappointment, but when you lose something as a team like a soccer game, you the disappointment is spread among all the players. I felt like the nurse was saying we lose as a team and we will work harder next time to win as a team. I cannot say enough positive things about the team of people trying to get B and I our baby.
So even though I am still in a bit of shock, we are moving forward. I also take comfort in the fact that we are not just going to repeat what we did last time again this time and hope for a different outcome. Although things went well last time, we didn’t get the outcome we hoped for…so this time we are taking what we learned from before and making changes based on what we know. Hoping for a positive this time around :)