This is what one of the IVF nurses told me on Tuesday when I was in for my ultrasound and b/w appointment for our FET. I had a horrendous couple days following the BFN. There were two nights of uncontrollable hysterical hyper-ventilating crying myself to sleep while my husband held me tight in his arms. And then it was like my emotions were frozen. A FET is so much different than a fresh cycle. I’ve been wearing estrogen patches since AF showed up and changing them every other day. It started with 1, then 2, then 4, and now back down to 2 since my appointment. This will continue right through the transfer and until we find out if we will finally be one of those lucky couples with a BFP. During the week leading up to the appointment, I of course thought about our infertility, but it was not a central focus as it was during the fresh cycle. We got the statement from our insurance company (we will be getting a $1000 bill from the hospital shortly), we got a summary letter of our fresh cycle, I found out another co-worker is pregnant (who started trying this summer, so it must have happened right away for her to already be 12 weeks), but none of this has triggered a particularly emotional response. It’s like I’ve been a bit detached from my emotions.
Then I went in for my appointment. First the blood draw, which is always just in and out, but not that day. I sat in the waiting area (which is just outside the open door where they blood drawing happens. There are 10 of us in this waiting area with one patient being seen by two nurses when I arrive. She is an older woman who is screaming bloody murder and yelling at the nurses for hurting her. Apparently she had to fast for whatever she was in for and her veins were not cooperating. Another nurse arrived for work and they all had a go at it. If I were someone who is squeamish about being needle pricked to begin with (like my husband), I would have had a really hard time going in after that. Luckily, I am pretty much a trooper at this point when it comes to blood being drawn from my arms. And of course, the nurse who was working with this woman was the one to draw my blood. I think she was happy to have me go next because my veins are always cooperative and she was in and out in a matter of seconds. I could see the pride on her face where she could show everyone else in the room…see it wasn’t me! I felt happy for her :)
So then up to the ultrasound. Everything looked good…my lining was an 8 triple layer and there were no cysts or follicles growing on my ovaries. I’m good to go. Then I had a question for the nurse after the ultrasound tech left the room. See, I’ve heard MANY people in the blogosphere talk about their WTF appointment. They don’t have those at my clinic. I just received a letter that summarized the cycle. It just said that I started out on Lupron, my estridol peaked at 900something and started with 300 mg of FSH. It stated that the cycle failed and I had 1 fro zen blast. The last line recommended that I go with a FET. But there was no explanation. There was no hypothesis to why it didn’t work. So I went in that morning with one question in mind: “Why did the cycle fail?” As soon as I opened my mouth to say these words, I lost it. The emotions that seemed to be missing for weeks had returned. I hadn’t focused on our loss and now it was front and center again. The nurse was very comforting and gave me a big hug. She told me that they don’t know what went wrong. That couples ages 18-25 that don’t have infertility issues only have a 25% chance of getting pregnant each cycle. She told me that she is optimistic about this FET cycle. She said in a lot of cases women tend to respond better to the FET cycle and become pregnant because it is more like a natural cycle. She told me that I should not give up hope, but to always have one foot in the clouds and one foot on the ground. I need to be realistic about our situation, but I also need to have hope and be optimistic. She told me that she knows I still have hope because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be there. And she was right…I still have hope and I still have doubts. That is just the life of an infertile.