Okay, so the 2ww has been completely fine…up to this point. I have been so busy with work and everything that I have not given much thought at all to our first beta this Friday. I know it sounds crazy, but truly I have not been focused on it at all. I definitely have daily reminders of it…Thank you nasty promethium!!! And over-emotional reactions to what others see as non-moments at all (yes I cried a few tears watching American Pickers watching an old man give up a movie poster from the days when he and his wife would go to the theater together). But overall, these have just been passing moments. I have not had a complete obsession or over-focus on our upcoming beta. I’ve read how difficult it has been for others…you don’t just live through a 2ww, you survive it. I’ve experienced the 2ww many times before and I have never been this calm.
Today I am definitely feeling more like I want the week to just be over with so we can have our result. But even so, I know we aren’t going to have complete confidence even if it is positive. We’ve never been pregnant before, so we have no reason to believe if we are pregnant that our embryo won’t stick around, but I’ve read about so many others who’ve shared their losses that I can’t help but think, if we make it to a positive, we may be part of that crowd that also loses it. In our IVF binder, it says there is a 10% chance of a chemical pregnancy and the miscarriage rate is between 20 and 30% (does this sound high to anyone?)
I’ve been thinking about how I will feel if we get a positive or a negative. And it’s weird…I have no emotional reaction when I think about it. I don’t know what this means…If it’s a positive, I want to feel excitement, relief, happiness, etc., but I feel like the unknown future ahead will keep me from having these feelings. Can anyone relate to what I’m feeling? I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment…I just want to get to Friday to see if the news good or bad will give me some relief.