Is it Friday yet?

Okay, so the 2ww has been completely fine…up to this point.  I have been so busy with work and everything that I have not given much thought at all to our first beta this Friday.  I know it sounds crazy, but truly I have not been focused on it at all.  I definitely have daily reminders of it…Thank you nasty promethium!!! And over-emotional reactions to what others see as non-moments at all (yes I cried a few tears watching American Pickers watching an old man give up a movie poster from the days when he and his wife would go to the theater together).  But overall, these have just been passing moments.  I have not had a complete obsession or over-focus on our upcoming beta.  I’ve read how difficult it has been for others…you don’t just live through a 2ww, you survive it.  I’ve experienced the 2ww many times before and I have never been this calm.

Today I am definitely feeling more like I want the week to just be over with so we can have our result.  But even so, I know we aren’t going to have complete confidence even if it is positive.  We’ve never been pregnant before, so we have no reason to believe if we are pregnant that our embryo won’t stick around, but I’ve read about so many others who’ve shared their losses that I can’t help but think, if we make it to a positive, we may be part of that crowd that also loses it.  In our IVF binder, it says there is a 10% chance of a chemical pregnancy and the miscarriage rate is between 20 and 30% (does this sound high to anyone?)

I’ve been thinking about how I will feel if we get a positive or a negative.  And it’s weird…I have no emotional reaction when I think about it.  I don’t know what this means…If it’s a positive, I want to feel excitement, relief, happiness, etc., but I feel like the unknown future ahead will keep me from having these feelings.  Can anyone relate to what I’m feeling?  I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment…I just want to get to Friday to see if the news good or bad will give me some relief.

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6 thoughts on “Is it Friday yet?

  1. We aren’t to IVF yet, but I think about this all the time. Not getting too overly excited for that BFP because we still have to survive the chance of a miscarriage. It’s completely terrifying, so we protect ourselves by limiting our emotions. I think the way you are feeling is totally normal. Just keep taking care of yourself.

  2. I think about that all the time. In fact, I was discussing the upcoming IVF with my mom today and right after I told her how excited I would be to be pregnant this time next month, I tempered it immediately with, “But it won’t be the end of the world if it does not work.” I think hope is just so hard, and we are surrounded by so many stories of struggle we don’t want to be “foolish” and think it can’t happen to us.
    However, I am super excited for you – Friday is almost here – it is practically Wednesday already and then just one more day. I so, so hope you get your positive (and I am super impressed that you are not testing!! I don’t think I will have the willpower!).

  3. I think B is right, we’re so used to trying to protect ourselves from pain that it’s easy to feel ambivelent about it. It is sooo much “easier” to expect a negative than to hope for a positive.

    Good on you for not testing– you’re so strong!

    • Thanks to all of your girls for understanding. It’s something that others just don’t understand. I guess it’s a good thing that those who haven’t experienced infertility are able to be so positive about everything, but it’s also maddening that they don’t ever have to second guess a happy moment. I keep thinking about this and am trying to allow myself to be happy if we get good news on Friday and then just take it from there…we will see :)

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