October

There are a dozen things that I love about the month of October.  I have been in love with October since I was a little girl.  I look forward to October all year long.  Fall is amazing!!! Pumpkins, apples, pies, turnovers, cider, and the list of fantastic fall foods goes on and on.  October is the month of blue jean and hoodie weather. Fires in the backyard, leaves changing from green to many shades of yellow, red, and orange, and just the smell of the air.  My birthday is in October.  On October 21st, I will turn 30.  I’ve always loved my birthday.  I take the lead and plan a get together with friends every year…there is no surprise for me…planning my birthday party is part of the fun!  October 9th will be our second wedding anniversary.  There is no other month I would have gotten married.  It may seem silly, but October has real meaning for me and all these little things I have listed above truly make me happy.

Tomorrow is October 1st, the day of my FET.  I cannot help but be super excited and hopeful that we are going to get pregnant this cycle.  October has never let me down before…will it now?  I used to be the person that believed everything happens for a reason.  I used to believe in signs.  Since dealing with infertility, I have become much more skeptical of these things, but I just can’t help believe that our FET happening on October 1st means something.  Great things happen in October for me…is it possible that we will find out we are finally pregnant? (which happens to be the day after our anniversary).

Of course, I still have already thought about the possibility of getting a negative result.  In this case, I’ve already found the silver lining…it’s October and a fabulous month of fun is already planned to help get me through more heartbreaking news.

But for now…I’m holding onto the fact that October means great things…and a positive pregnancy test would be as great as great can get :)

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One foot in the clouds and one foot on the ground

This is what one of the IVF nurses told me on Tuesday when I was in for my ultrasound and b/w appointment for our FET.  I had a horrendous couple days following the BFN.  There were two nights of uncontrollable hysterical hyper-ventilating crying myself to sleep while my husband held me tight in his arms.  And then it was like my emotions were frozen.  A FET is so much different than a fresh cycle.  I’ve been wearing estrogen patches since AF showed up and changing them every other day.  It started with 1, then 2, then 4, and now back down to 2 since my appointment.  This will continue right through the transfer and until we find out if we will finally be one of those lucky couples with a BFP.  During the week leading up to the appointment, I of course thought about our infertility, but it was not a central focus as it was during the fresh cycle.  We got the statement from our insurance company (we will be getting a $1000 bill from the hospital shortly),  we got a summary letter of our fresh cycle, I found out another co-worker is pregnant (who started trying this summer, so it must have happened right away for her to already be 12 weeks), but none of this has triggered a particularly emotional response.  It’s like I’ve been a bit detached from my emotions.

Then I went in for my appointment.  First the blood draw, which is always just in and out, but not that day.  I sat in the waiting area (which is just outside the open door where they blood drawing happens.  There are 10 of us in this waiting area with one patient being seen by two nurses when I arrive.  She is an older woman who is screaming bloody murder and yelling at the nurses for hurting her.  Apparently she had to fast for whatever she was in for and her veins were not cooperating.  Another nurse arrived for work and they all had a go at it.  If I were someone who is squeamish about being needle pricked to begin with (like my husband), I would have had a really hard time going in after that.  Luckily, I am pretty much a trooper at this point when it comes to blood being drawn from my arms.  And of course, the nurse who was working with this woman was the one to draw my blood.  I think she was happy to have me go next because my veins are always cooperative and she was in and out in a matter of seconds.  I could see the pride on her face where she could show everyone else in the room…see it wasn’t me!  I felt happy for her :)

So then up to the ultrasound.  Everything looked good…my lining was an 8 triple layer and there were no cysts or follicles growing on my ovaries.  I’m good to go.  Then I had a question for the nurse after the ultrasound tech left the room.  See, I’ve heard MANY people in the blogosphere talk about their WTF appointment.  They don’t have those at my clinic.  I just received a letter that summarized the cycle.  It just said that I started out on Lupron, my estridol peaked at 900something and started with 300 mg of FSH.  It stated that the cycle failed and I had 1 fro zen blast.  The last line recommended that I go with a FET.  But there was no explanation.  There was no hypothesis to why it didn’t work.  So I went in that morning with one question in mind: “Why did the cycle fail?”  As soon as I opened my mouth to say these words, I lost it.  The emotions that seemed to be missing for weeks had returned.  I hadn’t focused on our loss and now it was front and center again.  The nurse was very comforting and gave me a big hug.  She told me that they don’t know what went wrong.  That couples ages 18-25 that don’t have infertility issues only have a 25% chance of getting pregnant each cycle.  She told me that she is optimistic about this FET cycle.  She said in a lot of cases women tend to respond better to the FET cycle and become pregnant because it is more like a natural cycle.  She told me that I should not give up hope, but to always have one foot in the clouds and one foot on the ground.  I need to be realistic about our situation, but I also need to have hope and be optimistic.  She told me that she knows I still have hope because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be there.  And she was right…I still have hope and I still have doubts.  That is just the life of an infertile.

Manly Monday

Before I give you some insight into my hubby, a quick update on TTC.  Today is CD 1.  Cramps are worse than usual, but I did get some good news from one of my favorite nurses.  We are going ahead with the FET.  We have one beautiful blast, so we are going for it.  Today I start with one estrogen patch and then I’ll increase them along the way.  Only day 16 (September 25th) I will go in for ultrasound and b/w.  If everything looks good, I will start Progesterone (oh joy!) and the transfer will be October 1st.  B and I decided not to tell anyone the dates on which things are happening this cycle.  We definitely don’t want the weight of others expecting news from us again.  We just want to go through this one together and if we get a BFP, we want to tell people when we are in the “safe” zone (I put safe in quotations b/c I know there is no true safe zone.  I just mean we will tell our inner circle once we’ve had the first ultrasound…others will come much later).

And now for some manly monday fun facts!  B is a very interesting creature.  He is actually very sociable, but claims to hate social events and most people.  However, once he has been forced into the social situation, he is off on his own and chumming it up with everyone.  On some occasions he will even tell me he’s glad I made him go :)  This does not keep him from whining about having to attend every social event we will ever go to!

B’s wardrobe consists of cargo shorts, jeans, and t-shirts.  He now has several collared shirts that I bought him for semi-dressy events (like a dinner at a nicer restaurant), but he still fights me to just wear a t-shirt.  He also has the other extreme – nice suits and dress pants, but nothing in between.  He owns about 100 t-shirts and refuses to get rid of any of them (regardless of whether they have stains, rips, holes, or no longer fit).  And every new place we go, he feels the need to buy another t-shirt.  We have an entire guest closet with piles upon piles of his t-shirts.  Luckily he wears a uniform for work so he never has to worry about work attire.

He is obsessed with playing words with friends, which I’m sure many of you are thinking is not that strange.  However, he does not play to win.  He plays for it not to be his turn anymore.  He spends no time at all trying to figure out what letter combination will get him the most points.  He just wants to get his turn over with and will play the word that first pops into his head.  He will also not go to bed until he has played all of his turns on his games.  Side note about our marriage: I don’t go to bed until my turns are played also, so we no longer play each other!

I hope you enjoyed learning a little bit more about B! :)

I am a Saint!

Exactly 27 1/2 hours after I found out our first IVF cycle had failed, I see a sea of pregnant bellies walk into the wedding.  It turns out that 6 wives of my husbands co-workers are pregnant (most of them sporting a VERY big baby belly) and they all walk into the wedding one right after the other.  I had NO IDEA any of them were pregnant.  I turn to B and ask him about it and he says he didn’t know either.  The sight of them literally takes my breath away.  I was very close to panic mode, but somehow made it through the moment.  Later in the night I find out there are actually 9 wives  (OMFG!!!!) of my husbands co-workers that are pregnant, but apparently only 6 of them were invited to this wedding.  Our table consisted of 3 pregnant women and their husbands and another couple that has 2 toddlers at home.  So yeah, the entire night revolved around talk of babies and comments about how we need to start having kids (jerks).  And you know what…I not only survived this, but I actually acted like I cared about their due dates and how their baby at home kisses their belly, etc.  I feel like a champ!

And now onto the inner, very bitter list I created in my head while listening to all of these preggers who all get pregnant apparently from the kool-aid their husbands drink at work.

Wife #1 – Her husband is a raging alcoholic and was actually forced into rehab by work.  This is their first child.  She kept saying all night how she feels amazing, but is terrified of giving birth.

Wife # 2 &3 – They are complete jerks…they act all nice to your face, but I can see right through the fakeness and know they have nothing nice to say about anyone behind their backs.  They act like their better than everyone.  They each have a 1 year old as well.

Wife #4 – Her husband is a complete arrogant ass with anger problems. And I think something must be wrong with her that she would choose to marry this prick.  She’s 5 months pregnant and has an 8 month old baby as well (yup, they didn’t waste any time).

Wife #5 – This is her 3rd child and recently I found out she cheated on her husband with one of his co-workers (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know about it).

Wife #6 – I actually do not have one bad thing to say about her.  I think she and her husband are really nice people so I am happy for them.

Why the hell is it so easy for them to get pregnant when they are bringing children into such dysfunctional situations?  Things are just not fair in life.  It makes me so angry to think about these assholes getting the one thing B and I have been trying for 2 years to have and they don’t even deserve it!  So you see, I am a saint because even though I was thinking all of these things, I did not make one evil statement to any of them.  And I magically was able to still enjoy the wedding instead of having a breakdown and spending the night in our hotel room (which I easily could have done).

Still waiting for AF.  Once she arrives I will call the nurse and get information about next steps.  We have 1 frozen blast, so I’m thinking that will be the next step, but I don’t think it’s a given.

IVF#1 = BFN

Yup…there it is.  Everything went perfectly this cycle except for the getting pregnant part.  Instead of going to our favorite restaurant to celebrate (our plan for a BFP), we will be staying in, ordering sushi and drinking wine (obviously our plan for a BFN).  And I’m sure the waterworks will be going on and off all night.  There’s not much else to say…

Is it Friday yet?

Okay, so the 2ww has been completely fine…up to this point.  I have been so busy with work and everything that I have not given much thought at all to our first beta this Friday.  I know it sounds crazy, but truly I have not been focused on it at all.  I definitely have daily reminders of it…Thank you nasty promethium!!! And over-emotional reactions to what others see as non-moments at all (yes I cried a few tears watching American Pickers watching an old man give up a movie poster from the days when he and his wife would go to the theater together).  But overall, these have just been passing moments.  I have not had a complete obsession or over-focus on our upcoming beta.  I’ve read how difficult it has been for others…you don’t just live through a 2ww, you survive it.  I’ve experienced the 2ww many times before and I have never been this calm.

Today I am definitely feeling more like I want the week to just be over with so we can have our result.  But even so, I know we aren’t going to have complete confidence even if it is positive.  We’ve never been pregnant before, so we have no reason to believe if we are pregnant that our embryo won’t stick around, but I’ve read about so many others who’ve shared their losses that I can’t help but think, if we make it to a positive, we may be part of that crowd that also loses it.  In our IVF binder, it says there is a 10% chance of a chemical pregnancy and the miscarriage rate is between 20 and 30% (does this sound high to anyone?)

I’ve been thinking about how I will feel if we get a positive or a negative.  And it’s weird…I have no emotional reaction when I think about it.  I don’t know what this means…If it’s a positive, I want to feel excitement, relief, happiness, etc., but I feel like the unknown future ahead will keep me from having these feelings.  Can anyone relate to what I’m feeling?  I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment…I just want to get to Friday to see if the news good or bad will give me some relief.

Mom issues

Friday night was a disaster.  I get a text message from my mom that says, “If C (my brother) called you, would you talk to him?”  So a little background…in January, my brother was extremely nasty to me for no reason and we got in a screaming fight (not like me at all…he brings out the worst in me) and he ended up cursing at me and walking out.  Mind you, my parents witnessed the entire thing and were speechless as that has never happened before.  About a week later, C texted me a lame apology.  I did not reply as I felt it was a half-assed apology and I deserved an actual phone call (we live about 3 hours apart, so face to face was not expected).  And I haven’t heard from him since.

So when I see this text message (my mom is famous for texting and FBing instead of actually talking on the phone or giving news face to face….Ex. She emailed me the morning her and my stepfather were getting married), I know it’s a loaded question.  I basically told her that I don’t want her getting in the middle and to just stay out.  She kept pushing and said how she talked to C and he said that he tried to apologize, but I wouldn’t accept it.  He made it seem like he’s been calling and calling, which it total b/s.  So when she said they were talking the other night, I just got this really weird feeling that if they’ve been talking about this situation, she may have told him everything we have been going through with infertility.  So I ask, “Did you tell him about our difficulty getting pregnant”.  Her response was, “He know’s your trying” (which is totally avoiding the actual question) and then changes the subject back to us talking again.  I keep pushing and finally she says, “Yes, I told him.  I thought he should know”.

WTF!!!!!!!  1) You do not have my permission to tell ANYONE about my and B’s personal business, especially something she knows we have been struggling with for 8 months and we are both a completely emotional wreck over; and 2) I haven’t spoken to C in pretty much the same amount of time, what universe do you live in that you think I would want him to know anything about me, forget my most personal business….not to mention how could she tell my husbands personal business!

And the worst part about this 3 1/2 hour texting conversation…she feels totally justified in what she did and thinks I’m overreacting.  Not only does she think I’m overreacting, but she also thinks something is wrong with me that I would be so upset about it.  She wrote some sort of apology email yesterday, but I can’t even bare to read her twisted justification.  She got really nasty and said I was full of hatred.  She also made a statement to the effect of…and I know you will hold this against me until I’m in the ground.  OH MY GOD!!!! And she things I’m being dramatic!  I was sitting there crying hysterically in my husbands arms while I thought about my brother knowing my personal business and my mother completely breaking my trust.  She said she didn’t tell anyone else, but obviously I have no way of knowing if she’s being honest.  I just feel so betrayed by her and yet again she demonstrates that she has no understanding of what we are going through.

And now I just can’t trust her with anymore information of what we are going through.  Our first beta is coming up on Friday and now I don’t want to tell her.  How can I be sure that she won’t decide “X person should know” and tells them against our wishes.  I can’t now and that sucks.  She’s really ruined part of this for us and I don’t know how to get past it.  There is no more talking through things as she could not get it through her head that it doesn’t matter who she things should know things about me, it’s not her right to tell anything to anyone without our permission.  We are now at a standstill :(