During the past 20 months, I have felt an incredible range of emotions. Six months after TTC, I started to feel confusion and disbelief. How is it possible that we were not pregnant? Everyone I had talked to about their TTC story had gotten pregnant after the first month of trying. Why wasn’t it happening for us? How could it be that literally everyone around me had gotten pregnant on the first month and after six months we still hadn’t? We are both young and healthy…how could it be this hard? We both had spent years avoiding pregnancy and now that we were ready it wasn’t happening.
Finding out that we had a medical problem preventing us from conceiving on our own caused another set of emotions or rather layers upon layers of emotions. I am using the analogy of a roller coaster because there seem to be several phases of emotions that keep repeating themselves over and over. It goes from up to down to around the corner to upside down and then hit repeat as the coaster goes around the track again. I’ve experienced sadness, anger, self-pity, grief, and at times even complete numbness. There is no telling when I will be feeling a particular emotion or how long it will last.
At the current moment, I go back and forth between completely numb one second to waterworks the next. I actually think this is completely normal for going through an IVF cycle (even though this is my first so I’m no expert). I am just on edge, so even if I feel fine one minute, it take VERY little to set me off into a mini-depression cycle. I assume all of this will magnify once I start the hormone injections. Oh Joy!
I’m just trying to focus on getting through the cycle from start to finish and not on what the outcome may be…