I have many different kinds of friends. I have friends from my childhood, friends that are also family, friends from high school, friends from graduate school, friends from softball, friends from working various jobs over the years, friends from volunteering, friends met through other friends, friends from the neighborhood, friends on FB, and now friends in blogland. I come from a long line of talkers on both sides of my family. No matter where I go, I am always able to strike up a conversation and often times people seem drawn to strike up a conversation with me. I’m a friendly and social person, always have been. I’m sure I am no different than any of you in this respect…we all have many and different types of friends. My friends are older, younger, at all different stages in life and range from very close friends to more acquaintances.
However, in the past year and a half, I have become somewhat distant from these friends. Infertility does many things to a person/a couple, but one thing I did not expect is that it isolates you. It’s not that I have deliberately pushed my friends away. It’s hard to explain, but I will try my best. Pretty much since the 2nd month of TTC I have seen myself as different. Every single one of my girlfriends got pregnant on the 1st month! Why would I think things would be different for us? But I am different/we are different. And I have felt different every since that 2nd month…and even more so since January 2012 when we found out we were infertile…there was a medical reason we could not become pregnant on our own. In a way my life has been on hold for over a year and a half. I have chosen not to take part in certain activities (mostly surrounding alcohol for not wanting to answer all the questions about why I’m not drinking and baby-related events for the obvious reasons). I have apparently been off the radar (as I’m not always included in group things – I know this thanks to FB!) I think part of the issue is that I don’t have any “close” friends where I live. I don’t live near where I grew up and all of my grad school friends moved away. All of my friends/our friends are great, but there is no one person or one couple that we are super close to. So back when we first told people we were trying (huge regret here) they pretty much wrote us off since I wouldn’t be drinking and most of the get togethers include drinking. Apparently people think you need to drink in order to have a good time….I am not one of these people. I enjoy the social aspect of gatherings.
When we got married, I was aware of this, but I thought once we became pregnant, we would meet other people that were pregnant. I just assumed that once we had kids, we would be doing “mommy and me” type things and would meet others through them. And parents of our kids friends would naturally become our friends. So here I am feeling alone. I feel ostracized from our “going out” friends because I’m not drinking alcohol and I feel ostracized from our friends with kids because only the friends who actually have kids get invited to these social events. And to be honest, I rather stay away from the friends with young kids b/c they just don’t get it and end up making me feel bad. And now I’m worried that when we do eventually have a baby, I will still feel different from other new mom’s because of everything we have been through to get there.
The other thing that keeps me isolated is that B works second shift (3-11pm) on a rotating schedule. He only has Sat/Sun off every 6-7 weeks. Therefore, I spend most nights alone. And I don’t get included on most things that happen on the weekend b/c B is not available and I think I get left out b/c people know he’s working. I have C to keep me company, but life can still be lonely. I am someone who definitely enjoys my alone time and needs it to survive, but this is too much alone time. It would be nice to have a friend or two that would stop over for dinner a couple nights a week or I could stop over their house. It would be nice to have someone to walk C with in the evenings. It would be nice not to feel so alone.