Everything happens for a reason/What’s meant to be will always find a way…

I used to believe in those words.  Growing up, whenever I was going through a rough time, I would calm myself by saying those two phrases.  I would try to change my focus from whatever was upsetting me to what could possibly happen in the future because of it.  Now I completely disagree with those words and actually feel very angry whenever anyone says these things to me about having a baby.  I don’t believe there is a REASON that people get Cancer, die in tragic accidents, or have to deal with infertility (just to name a few things).  These things happen and they usually happen to good people, but there is no reason for a person to have to suffer in any way.  I do believe that in the face of adversity good things may come of those situations.  I believe people are challenged to fight through the grief, the pain, the sadness and come out stronger on the other side.  I believe people view the world from a different lens, tend to appreciate the wonderful things in their life a little more, learn to have more patience, and become all around more sensitive and caring people.  I believe all these things and more, but I do not believe that everything happens for a reason or what’s meant to be will always find a way.

I understand why people believe so deeply in these sayings.  I used to be one of those people.  People just want to believe that there must be a greater purpose for whatever they are going through.  They want to believe that there is meaning in the horrible thing they are enduring.  I think it helps people get through it.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing that others believe in these sayings as long as it gives them comfort and hope.  These saying no longer do this for me.  If I were to believe there is a reason that I am not able to have a child or that I’m not meant to have a child I think I would completely fall apart.  What a horrible thing to believe.  So I choose not to believe in these words.  I will never find comfort in believing I was not meant to be a mother.  I choose to be cautiously optimistic every day and hope for the chance to hold our baby in my arms.  If that day never comes, I will never tell myself that I am not a mother for a reason or that I just wasn’t meant to be a mother.

***PS – CVS pharmacy employees continue to be morons.  Not only did I call ahead to request 2 packages of BCPs, but my nurse also faxed AND left a voicemail telling them that I need 2 NOT 1!!!  So what happens when I go to pick it up…there is only 1 package filled!!! UGH!!! I kept my cool and calmly said to yet another incompetent employee – I need 2 packages.  I called and my doctors office called and faxed all saying that I need 2 packages!  To which he replies…well your insurance will only cover 1 package.  (I take a huge breathe)…I completely understand this and already told the person I spoke to that it doesn’t matter how much it costs because I need 2 packages and I am prepared to pay full price for the additional package.  To which he replies…um, well it’s going to be a few minutes for me to fill it.  Great, I will wait here!  Seriously…$40 total for 2 packages….who cares!!! This is pennies to what we have paid in co-pays, OPKs, PT’s, and what we will be paying in meds.  Well, despite the frustration I now have 2 packages of BCPs and will be staring active pills on Sunday…mission accomplished!

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