…This is what my mother said to me when I told her that we have to put off our first IVF cycle due to the IVF unit being closed for 3 1/2 weeks. Seriously?!?!?! What is relaxing about putting off the chance at having a baby for another 2 months? What is relaxing or enjoyable about counting down the days until we go through one of the most physically, emotionally, and psychologically demanding experiences (not to mention financially) we have ever been through? I was completely stunned at her statement so I just feel silent on the phone. After several months of me feeding her information about what we are going through and what each appointment consists of and explaining to her that “lessening the stress in my life” is not why we are not able to conceive naturally, she still makes insensitive comments like this.
So I decided to email her and explain why I find that comment so upsetting thinking that she is trying to be positive and helpful, but doesn’t know how. I explained my feelings to her and then came up with an example to help her understand better. I asked her how she would feel if my brother was sick and she had been taking care of him (a situation that is similar in that it would interfere with her life completely…missing work, going to multiple appointments, possibly causing stress in her relationships with others, all on top of the emotional turmoil). Then I said, how would you feel if he died and I responded with “well at least now you can relax and enjoy your summer.” So instead of her seeing how in that situation it is a COMPLETELY rude, insensitive, and inappropriate comment, she responded with, “I am not sure that your comparison to a child dying is quiet the same parallel, but I understand your attempt.” I WASN’T saying it is the same thing at all…I was just trying to show that when you are grieving a loss (any loss), it’s insensitive to say what she said. I’m regretting sharing how I felt with her. She has tried to be involved with this in asking questions and checking in to see how appointments go, but they way she responds makes me feel like she thinks my feelings are trivial. I understand trying to keep a positive attitude and looking on the bright side of things, but I wish she would just acknowledge that what we are going through is not easy and I can’t always focus on the positive. Sometimes I just need to feel my emotions and get frustrated that yet again we go another couple of months without getting pregnant while everyone around us does.
Has anyone had any luck with getting family and/or friends to understand?
Tales of a Cautious Optimist 
I have a friend who got pregnant on her wedding night. She tried telling me that she understood all that I was going through because her sister had issues getting pregnant. And then she’d say something stupid and I just couldn’t be around her for a time. Many times I tried explaining things to her, but she just never seemed to get it. Finally a couple of mutual friends managed to some how explain things to her and let her know why I wasn’t talking to her much. We ended up going out for coffee and had a great chat and cry together. I know she’ll never fully understand, but at least now she seems more aware of things and asks rather than just spout stuff out.
It’s not easy when you want to share and others seem like they want to hear, but then the connection just isn’t made in a way that is helpful to you. I’m sorry your mom isn’t responding in the way that you need. Maybe taking a step back for a while will help. *hugs*
Thanks for the hugs :) It is frustrating too because I know that she doesn’t mean to upset me, but she doesn’t get it either…or even seem to have an interest in trying harder to understand. It’s hard when anyone makes comments like that. I’m sorry that you have a friend that doesn’t get it either. From reading many other blogs, I’ve learned that I am not alone in this…it’s a bigger societal issue.
I’m not sure some people can ever understand. It sounds like your mom is finding it rather difficult to be empathetic and understanding here, and I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you need from her. Perhaps it’s best not to seek it from her, then, and to instead turn to others, as disappointing as that may be.
Thanks for checking in. She is definitely not the only one I’ve talked about this with, so I do feel supported by others. I agree though and will take a step back and not look to her as a source of comfort. It will be tricky b/c I still want to keep her informed b/c I know she’s worried about me. I will just need to be careful of exactly what information I give out.